What 2014 did for me...and to me

I honestly forgot I had this thing. And here I was wondering how I was going to get all my thoughts out in a concise fashion.

I know that not many of you even bother to read this, but I am not writing on this blog to entertain you. I am simply voicing my own thoughts and opinions to get them out of my own mind and make room for more. Ever growing, ever confusing.I'll pull a nerd moment and relate it to Harry Potter. For those of you who have read the books/seen the movies, you already know where I'm going with this. This blog is like my own personal pensieve. I take my thoughts out and compose and collect them here to make room for more, and I can always come back later to remind myself of things I may have forgotten and need to remember. It's a pleasant thought.

Nerd moment over.

I suppose the beginning of the new year is as good a time as easy to let out my thoughts, reflect on the past 12 months, learn from it, and move on. I will be honest, 2014 was not a year that I would ever want to relive. Full of dark times and troubles (like anyone else's year, I'm sure), it was one of the most difficult years I've ever lived through. But, like any dark time, there were a lot of things I learned from it that I never would have been able to learn otherwise, and for that, I am thankful.To name a few...

I spent the first 3 months of 2014 unemployed. As someone who had been out of college for 2 years and was still not working and so financially dependent on his parents that he still lived under their roof, it was a time of real darkness. I was a 24 year old man living with his mother, spending every day trying and failing to convince someone that I was worth hiring. And 2014 was only part of that time frame. Total unemployment lasted for 7 months before I finally landed a job, and they were some of the worst 7 months of my life. I had a college degree, a girlfriend, and vastly untapped potential, and it was all being wasted. My degree was serving no purpose, my girlfriend was dating someone who couldn't even afford the gas to drive her to dinner, much less pay for dinner itself, and my will to work and drive to succeed were being squandered on literally hundreds of dead-end job applications. And in that time, I became hopelessly depressed. I felt lost, defeated, and worthless. And because of my nature, I refused to let others help me and insisted on fending entirely for myself. I even refused to allow God to "interfere", as I saw it. And after nearly 6 months of wasted effort, I was done. My heart and mind couldn't take it anymore. I remember finally breaking down one day and saying out loud, "Alright God, you win, I'm tired. You can take it from here." Two weeks later, I was offered 3 jobs from 3 different employers all at once. And from that, I learned that, as a believer in Christ, I should not let the trials of the world fool me into believing that Christ is no longer there, and that I have no power over this world. My faith states that I have allied myself with one who has overcome the world that I am so afraid of, and therefore I should not be afraid, It was a painful lesson to learn, but one I am grateful for.

In 2014, I also learned the consequences of selfishness, and the damage it can do, both emotionally and spiritually. I was in a relationship with a woman that wasn't for me. Mind you, that doesn't mean that this woman was not meant for anyone. Far from it, in fact. She was a kind, loving, selfless individual. But deep down, I knew that no amount of effort or human love would ever make us right for each other, and I think she may have known that too. But in my selfishness and hopeless desire to not be alone, I stayed far longer than I should have. And for that, I paid a painful emotional price. But in that failure, there was success. I learned that apart from God, no relationship with any human being on this planet will ever fulfill the need that I have to be wanted, to be loved and cared for. I learned that I must rely entirely on God in every sense before I can expect a woman to ever rely on me in a worldly sense. And for that, I am again thankful.

In 2014, I learned that humility and courage are far more difficult traits to acquire than I realized. Many of you most likely already know, others may not, but since my early teenage years, I have suffered from severe depression, to a clinical degree. In the past 9 years, I have contemplated suicide countless times, and have attempted it more than once (and failed, obviously). After the trials and pain that the first half of 2014 put me through, I was at my wit's end. My life nearly ended, in every sense. But thankfully, it didn't quite pan out the way I thought it would. After years of knowing I should, but denying it for fear of the opinion and rejection of others, I decided to go to therapy. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made with my life. Through my therapist, a wonderful man with an understanding spirit, God was able to teach me that my depression is a temporary ailment, a bi-product of the fallen world we all live in that is my burden to bear, but it is not an impossible one. My depression is an ailment, not a feature. It is something that can be controlled, managed, overcome. And, like anything else in this world, it is something that God has already defeated. I learned that much of my depression and social anxiety has come from a lifetime of rejection and disapproval of others, but what I failed to realize for so many years was that I was simply trying and failing to win the approval of people who are just as fallen as I am, and struggle as much as I do, instead of seeking the love of the one who created us all and exists above us. And that is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my life thus far. Ultimately, my depression will always be with me, and it will always be something that I struggle with, but I know now that it is not an invincible enemy. It has its weaknesses, and I will exploit them. And I will overcome.

In 2014, I suffered more than I ever have, learned more than I ever expected, and grew more than I thought possible. I still have a long way to go, and my faith in Christ is still far weaker than it needs to be, but I am confident that 2015 holds vastly more potential for greatness for me than its predecessors. God has blessed me with the ability to see beyond the surface of many things in this world, and I hope that he will use that ability to not only help me grow and serve him more, but to also help others do the same.

I say all this, knowing that very few of you will read it, and even fewer will care. But for the first time in my life, that doesn't matter. Again, this was simply a way for me to clear my head, organize my thoughts, and reflect on things past. As for my faith in Christ, I know this will most likely offend one or two of my readers at least, but I won't apologize for it. You have your beliefs, I have mine, and mine are what get me through each day, same as yours. Whatever you believe, I'll love you just the same. I pray that you'll return the favor.

May God and peace be with you all this year. Much love, my friends.