What 2014 did for me...and to me

I honestly forgot I had this thing. And here I was wondering how I was going to get all my thoughts out in a concise fashion.

I know that not many of you even bother to read this, but I am not writing on this blog to entertain you. I am simply voicing my own thoughts and opinions to get them out of my own mind and make room for more. Ever growing, ever confusing.I'll pull a nerd moment and relate it to Harry Potter. For those of you who have read the books/seen the movies, you already know where I'm going with this. This blog is like my own personal pensieve. I take my thoughts out and compose and collect them here to make room for more, and I can always come back later to remind myself of things I may have forgotten and need to remember. It's a pleasant thought.

Nerd moment over.

I suppose the beginning of the new year is as good a time as easy to let out my thoughts, reflect on the past 12 months, learn from it, and move on. I will be honest, 2014 was not a year that I would ever want to relive. Full of dark times and troubles (like anyone else's year, I'm sure), it was one of the most difficult years I've ever lived through. But, like any dark time, there were a lot of things I learned from it that I never would have been able to learn otherwise, and for that, I am thankful.To name a few...

I spent the first 3 months of 2014 unemployed. As someone who had been out of college for 2 years and was still not working and so financially dependent on his parents that he still lived under their roof, it was a time of real darkness. I was a 24 year old man living with his mother, spending every day trying and failing to convince someone that I was worth hiring. And 2014 was only part of that time frame. Total unemployment lasted for 7 months before I finally landed a job, and they were some of the worst 7 months of my life. I had a college degree, a girlfriend, and vastly untapped potential, and it was all being wasted. My degree was serving no purpose, my girlfriend was dating someone who couldn't even afford the gas to drive her to dinner, much less pay for dinner itself, and my will to work and drive to succeed were being squandered on literally hundreds of dead-end job applications. And in that time, I became hopelessly depressed. I felt lost, defeated, and worthless. And because of my nature, I refused to let others help me and insisted on fending entirely for myself. I even refused to allow God to "interfere", as I saw it. And after nearly 6 months of wasted effort, I was done. My heart and mind couldn't take it anymore. I remember finally breaking down one day and saying out loud, "Alright God, you win, I'm tired. You can take it from here." Two weeks later, I was offered 3 jobs from 3 different employers all at once. And from that, I learned that, as a believer in Christ, I should not let the trials of the world fool me into believing that Christ is no longer there, and that I have no power over this world. My faith states that I have allied myself with one who has overcome the world that I am so afraid of, and therefore I should not be afraid, It was a painful lesson to learn, but one I am grateful for.

In 2014, I also learned the consequences of selfishness, and the damage it can do, both emotionally and spiritually. I was in a relationship with a woman that wasn't for me. Mind you, that doesn't mean that this woman was not meant for anyone. Far from it, in fact. She was a kind, loving, selfless individual. But deep down, I knew that no amount of effort or human love would ever make us right for each other, and I think she may have known that too. But in my selfishness and hopeless desire to not be alone, I stayed far longer than I should have. And for that, I paid a painful emotional price. But in that failure, there was success. I learned that apart from God, no relationship with any human being on this planet will ever fulfill the need that I have to be wanted, to be loved and cared for. I learned that I must rely entirely on God in every sense before I can expect a woman to ever rely on me in a worldly sense. And for that, I am again thankful.

In 2014, I learned that humility and courage are far more difficult traits to acquire than I realized. Many of you most likely already know, others may not, but since my early teenage years, I have suffered from severe depression, to a clinical degree. In the past 9 years, I have contemplated suicide countless times, and have attempted it more than once (and failed, obviously). After the trials and pain that the first half of 2014 put me through, I was at my wit's end. My life nearly ended, in every sense. But thankfully, it didn't quite pan out the way I thought it would. After years of knowing I should, but denying it for fear of the opinion and rejection of others, I decided to go to therapy. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made with my life. Through my therapist, a wonderful man with an understanding spirit, God was able to teach me that my depression is a temporary ailment, a bi-product of the fallen world we all live in that is my burden to bear, but it is not an impossible one. My depression is an ailment, not a feature. It is something that can be controlled, managed, overcome. And, like anything else in this world, it is something that God has already defeated. I learned that much of my depression and social anxiety has come from a lifetime of rejection and disapproval of others, but what I failed to realize for so many years was that I was simply trying and failing to win the approval of people who are just as fallen as I am, and struggle as much as I do, instead of seeking the love of the one who created us all and exists above us. And that is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my life thus far. Ultimately, my depression will always be with me, and it will always be something that I struggle with, but I know now that it is not an invincible enemy. It has its weaknesses, and I will exploit them. And I will overcome.

In 2014, I suffered more than I ever have, learned more than I ever expected, and grew more than I thought possible. I still have a long way to go, and my faith in Christ is still far weaker than it needs to be, but I am confident that 2015 holds vastly more potential for greatness for me than its predecessors. God has blessed me with the ability to see beyond the surface of many things in this world, and I hope that he will use that ability to not only help me grow and serve him more, but to also help others do the same.

I say all this, knowing that very few of you will read it, and even fewer will care. But for the first time in my life, that doesn't matter. Again, this was simply a way for me to clear my head, organize my thoughts, and reflect on things past. As for my faith in Christ, I know this will most likely offend one or two of my readers at least, but I won't apologize for it. You have your beliefs, I have mine, and mine are what get me through each day, same as yours. Whatever you believe, I'll love you just the same. I pray that you'll return the favor.

May God and peace be with you all this year. Much love, my friends.

A new sense of Selflessness

Life is truly an incredible thing. Have you ever just sat back and thought about it? I encourage you to take some time out soon and sit back and examine the big picture. This life is so complex, so full of energy and confusion and color. This life has drastically different effects on so many different people. Some people see life is chaotic, stressful, and sometimes even meaningless. Others view life as a golden opportunity to reach out to others and live for something greater than yourself. Which one are you?

For so many years, I was the former. Most of my friends knew that I lived life with a very pessimistic outlook. Often I even suffered through bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. The year 2009 was one that I wish to forget and hope never to repeat. To live in that level of darkness is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. Because of the depression and the pointless outlook I had of life, I thought that I might as well live life the way I wanted and to live for myself, because obviously trying to live for God or for others wasn't doing me any good. I could not have been more wrong.

Life isn't meant for ourselves. We were not put on this earth to do what makes us happy or makes us feel good. We were not put here to gather material possessions or constantly seek excitement and self-fulfillment. We were put here to worship and serve the one who put us here in the first place. God created us to worship Him and to bring honor and glory to His name, even at the cost of our own earthly happiness, despite how temporary our lives may be. Some recent events and new people in my life have caused me to realize just how selfish of a life I have been living. I have constantly been worried about trying to further my own career, amassing material possessions that I thought would make me happy, and putting my own concerns ahead of everyone else. But thanks to God and his ability to work in mysterious ways and through the lives of others, I have come to realize that this life, all life, means absolutely nothing without having God at the center of it. I have become aware of how important it is to be a truly selfless person, to live for God and others and not myself. Because without God, there would be no happiness, no joy, no material wealth or anything created. And because of this, I want to do something that will have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of others. I don't exactly know what that is yet, but I do know that God can show me the way if I just ask Him to.

Somehow, I will become the person God truly wants me to be. And I will live a life that is truly pleasing to Him. I will serve others with a selfless heart and a genuine smile. And I will love with a love that stems from the heavenly father.

Pray for me, friends. Much love.

A Size Comparison and Man's Insignificance

Lately my mind has been wandering, as it often does. I find myself enjoying just sitting back and taking time to think. Usually the topics of my own mental discussion vary so widely that sometimes I can't keep up with myself (which leads to a bit of confusion and humor). Just last night I spent a grand total of 4 hours riding on my motorcycle, and it was some of the best thinking time I've had in a while. One thing my mind kept going back to last night and recently was thoughts about what most people refer to as "The Big Picture" of life. I started thinking about existence in a broad sense, asking the usual questions of, "Why are we here?" ; "How did we get here?" and the like. Then I decided this morning to do a little research.

Something that has always sparked a great interest in me is outer space. The shear size and complexity of what occurs outside of our own planet is simply amazing. To think that there are cosmic events so large and so powerful that were they to occur closer to our planet, or even in our own galaxy, our entire planet, which we have grown fond of and daily take for granted, would be consumed or destroyed. Even in our own galaxy, such power exists. Just look at our Sun. Scientists agree that the sun's positioning in our solar system is nothing less than perfect. Were it any further away, the average decreased temperatures would cause severe freezing and eventually destroy all life. Were it any closer, the extreme heats would do just the same. To think that our little world is so fragile is very humbling. Then I broadened my research a little more.

Scientists have been studying the universe as a whole for centuries, and focusing their efforts very strongly in the last century or so. Recently, scientists have been attempting to figure out just what this universe we exist in is made of. And many have come to the same conclusion: the majority of this universe is made up of a mysterious, powerful force that they have named "Dark Energy". Their estimates say that Dark Energy makes up roughly 73% of the known universe. Another 23% is made up of an equally mysterious substance they call "Dark Matter". The reasons these forces are called "Dark" is because that, although they are nearly 100% sure of their existence, scientists still can't quite figure out just what they are. As for the remaining 4% of the universe, that is Normal Matter, or the things we can experiences with our senses. Mind you, that 4% covers the entire known universe in terms of some form of physical, experiencable substance. Which means that our entire planet, including all the life that exists on it, makes up less than 1% of the entire known universe. 1%.

Despite all these discoveries about the shear size of the universe, the intricacy and fragility of life, and the immense power that the universe holds, many still believe that a random occurance started all this and it just happened to fall into simple perfection entirely by chance. Mind you, I am not one of those believers. To think that there is something other than an all powerful Father to us all that created this universe to its exact specifications is beyond me. And in the Bible, God claims that he holds the entire world, and even the entire universe, in the palm of his hand. Think of it as you holding a marble.

Knowing that this God, who I believe created this massive universe and everything in it, is holding it in His hands and controlling it as He sees fit, and knowing that He is watching over someone as small and insignificant as me, is simultaneously the most humbling and comforting thought I've ever had.

Our entire existence, shrunk down to a marble. Kind of makes you feel a little smaller, doesn't it?

Leave of Absence

My apologies my friends (if any of you even read this), but I have gotten quite busy and somehow even more lazy recently, between my new job and forcing myself to readjust to a more adult appropriate sleep schedule. I have so much to say now, but instead I'm going to save it for later when I have all my thoughts gathered the way I want them to be. For now, I leave you with this. This is something I wrote in the summer of 2009 for absolutely no reason at all other than I just wanted to write something. Read it, critique it, let me know what you think. Always room for improvement and constructive criticism. I'll be back with a more comprehensive post later. Much love my friends.

"Studies have shown recently that there aren't many places left on earth that exist in true silence. So many places have some form of man-made noise that peace has become more of an idea than anything else. I don't know for sure if this place counts, but istting on the edge of a pier during the sunset, letting your feet gently dip in and out of the water...this is peace. The sound of the water gently rippling in the evening breeze is one with extreme calming properties. Being able to look at the sun in all its radiant beauty and warm colors is truly a sight all should behold at least once in their lifetime. Breathtaking is an understatement. And as the sun slowly begins to slip below the horizion and the darkness comes, the peace continues. There is serenity. There is gentleness.

There is peace."

My recklessness and God's Protection

6/6/2012

Thought I’d try a new font.

Today I begin my blog with a confession, not to my readers but to myself: I drive far too recklessly on my motorcycle. There is no reason for it, and it is incredibly dangerous, yet I continue to do it. I think I’m going to try and stop, simply so people will stop warning me about it. And I suppose for my own safety as well. And here I am contemplating getting an even faster bike. Perhaps I will never learn.

My new job seems to only get better as time progresses. The little perks continue to make an appearance, my coworkers have been very welcoming and helpful, and the work itself is moderately complex with a low level of difficulty. So far my only complaint is simultaneously my own fault: apparently I work too fast. I have had two different supervisors compliment me on how quickly I am catching on and how efficient I am, but one of them actually told me to slow down because I was finishing my work faster than they could generate more for me to do. But in my opinion, I would rather be too fast and be a little bored than not be fast enough and make a bad impression on my direct superiors. I should also keep in mind that the real work hasn’t fully started yet and I am still finishing up training. I have been told that once training is over, I will have a slightly steadier workflow, but only time will tell. The pay helps too.

God has been with me multiple times and in multiple ways lately, in very noticeable ways. And for that, I am thankful. Oftentimes I feel that I take God’s love and presence for granted. He has given me so much and protected me from so many dangers, and most of the time I don’t even acknowledge or thank him for it. I have no other excuse other than my lack of true commitment to my faith. And that is something that I need to strengthen above all else. Prayers from my readers would be appreciated.

My apologies if my blogs tend to skip subjects several times in a single post. My mind is constantly doing the same, and it’s one of the only ways I am able to write at all.

The next stage in my life is a bit of a scary one: it’s finally time for me to move out and be completely independent. And that means finding my own place to live. Given my expensive tastes in basically everything, I am trying my absolute hardest to avoid moving into an apartment, and if I can help it, I don’t even want to have a roommate. It’s nothing personal, I simply just do better when my living space is entirely my own, and I think that’s true for anyone. Correct me if I’m wrong. Because of this, I believe I am going to buy a house by the end of the year. Nothing big or fancy of course, because I can’t afford it and simply don’t need it. Just something decent that isn’t falling to pieces and has a garage that can fit my car and bike is really all I’m asking for, so if any of my readers happen to see or hear of a good deal on a decent, smaller house in the Madison/Ridgeland area, don’t hesitate to let me know.

I suppose I’ve wasted enough of your time at this point. And now it is time for me to go find some work to do, if there is any left.

Much love, my friends.

“Greater love has no man than this: that he would lay down his life for another.”

The Next Chapter

Hello again my friends.

Yet again I have been hit with a large amount of change. A change that I have been waiting on for a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found a job. I have started working at Southern Farm Bureau Life Insurance in Ridgeland. So far I've only worked a week due to a previously planned vacation, but the first week was fantastic. Maybe it's because it is radically different from all the random food service jobs I have been forced to have all throughout high school and college. Maybe it's because it pays a bit more. Or maybe it's just because I simply have enjoyed what I've done so far. Regardless, I am very pleased. But despite the happiness, there is always that feeling in my mind that time is moving so much more quickly than I want it to. I follow a certain account on Twitter called The 90s Life that, of course, tweets about any and all things 90s. Seeing their posts remind me so much of my childhood and bring back so many memories. And I feel like I should still be there. I feel like I should still be living in Ridge Park, waking up early to watch Power Rangers, having my mom drive me everywhere, and only worry about school first thing in the morning, more as a chore than actual school. Deep down, I still feel like I should be a child, because parts of me feel like I still am. But I'm not. I am an adult with an adult job, a car, a motorcycle, and my own bills and responsibilities (and hopefully soon, my own house). I am not complaining, I am simply explaining how strange it feels to be at this stage of my life. Weeks feel like days now. Part of me longs for the past and is afraid of the future, but part of me is excited to see what God has in store for me. After seeing all he has done for me in the past, how he has provided everything I could ever need and more than I deserve of what I want, and how he has protected me from so many things despite me not living for him as I ought, I can only imagine what he is going to do in the future. And that, my friends, is what really keeps me going.

On a lighter note, the vacation that I mentioned earlier was a trip to North Carolina with my father to a remote place called Deal's Gap. There is a motorcycle resort in the mountains that is one of the most popular places to ride in America. We went in the middle of the week during what the employees referred to as a slow period, and there were still at least 150 or more motorcycles. Only downside was that the vast majority were Harleys and other massive choppers. My father and I felt very outnumbered. But It was still fantastic. The course itself was actually a public highway, but the traffic was 90% motorcycles. It contained 318 turns in 11 miles, many of which were complete 180 degree turns. It was an extreme adrenaline rush. You barely had time to come out of one hard turn before you were shooting straight into another. Some of the turns were so abrupt that I could hear the metal bottoms of my foot pegs dragging the ground. There was also a large degree of danger. In some spots, the side of the road dropped off into a ravine that I could not see the bottom of. But strangely enough, knowing that the danger was there almost made it more enjoyable. And the scenery was absolutely gorgeous. Mountains covered in lush green trees, enormous winding rivers and valleys, clear blue skies (for the most part). I'm not much of a camera man, but I took more photos and videos on this one trip than I have all year. If anyone wishes to see any of them, I would be more than happy to share. Some were even taken by professional photographers that had tents set up at some of the sharper curves. Best vacation I've had in years.

One of the biggest things my new job has done for me is give me a new found appreciation for Saturday's and the ability to sleep in and have a bit of freedom. So now, I am going to go enjoy that freedom. Much love my friends, and God bless.

"And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me."

Restart

Almost forgot I had this blog.

Forgive me my friends, I have been absent lately due to a large amount of things. Life has a way of keeping all of us busy. Which is funny, considering I can't even seem to find a real job.

Ever since I first started hunting for a job, I've been nervous and impatient. I feel like I've been searching long enough. I feel like I am stuck in a vicious cycle of not having experience and not being hired because of not having experience. I feel like as someone of my age and having a degree, I should be able to get a job and move on with the next stage of my life. I was almost angry with life for not giving me what I felt like I deserved. But I was gravely mistaken.

God has shown me lately that I have to run on his time and not my own. I should not expect things to be thrown into my lap as I see fit. God has a plan for me, as he does for all of us. But the biggest disconnect that most of us have is patience. Patience is something I have struggled with throughout my entire life. Waiting for something is almost painful for me to do because I want things immediately. Having to wait makes me feel like I am out of control of the things in my life. But as I have been praying and meditating on God's will and his word lately, I have come to realize that I was not meant to control my own life. I must simply do as God tells me to do and live according to his will. Then, and only then, will I have the ability to be patient.

"Let go and let God."

Forgive me. Despite having the desire to write and express myself, something is holding me back. Perhaps I need to clear a few things in my head before I can truly write with the literary talents I once had.